I’m not a runner. I don’t breathe from my diaphragm, I don’t land my steps correctly, my stride is tiny, I don’t get a runner’s high. I’m not a runner. And yet, for some odd reason I decided I would run a half marathon this year.  Was it a good idea? Probably not. How did I get through it? With the help of Spotify, a couple of good friends, Christen Bakken, and John Cena.

Hi, it’s me, Drea. It’s been more than a hot minute and I’m sorry. It would be an understatement to say things got a little hectic here the last few months. But, at the end of the day that’s just an excuse. I haven’t been making time for this, for me. 

The idea behind Namasdre is to share my life, and hopefully, relate my struggles and joys to yours. I wanted you to read this, I’m happy you’re here, I wanted these words to have an impact. In theory, those things are great. In practicality, they are great but, I’m still adjusting. People, you, want to talk to me about it. Don’t you know I still have weight to lose, like...a lot? I had a cookie for breakfast? I still can’t do any sort of arm balance? There are things sitting on my to do list from last month? How can you find value in what I’m saying when I’m a mess? And in that last question is the key.

I pride myself on being careful, thoughtful with my choice of words, thinking through not only what I’m trying to convey but also how my words will be received. However, recently I began to question if that was truly the case or if I was putting in just enough effort to call it good.

A couple of weeks ago I attended AAF-KC's Gas Can, a day full of speakers meant to generate a spark of creative energy. A few of the sessions really spoke to me and I wanted to share them with you.

When we’re little our growth is charted by developmental milestones. By two months we should be smiling, cooing, looking for our parents. By one year we should have favorite things/people, follow simple directions, be able to stand or take a few steps with help. By five years we should want to be like our friends, speak clearly, be able to use utensils. The CDC stops milestone lists at five, after that growth is kind of on your own pace. But is it really? Or are there unspoken developmental milestones we ‘should’ be meeting?

It was a lie. I knew exactly why I didn’t think I could teach a yoga sculpt class. I made it through the training. I knew the flow of the class. I knew had every tool I needed to teach. I also knew I couldn’t do it. I’m not a yoga teacher. I get my pants at Target, not Lulu. Most days I can’t do full chaturangas through classes. I use the lightest weights. I don’t look like a teacher. In my head I knew anyone walking into a class would see me and think I shouldn’t be teaching. I knew they would know I’m an impostor.

I’ve created a life where I’m constantly bustling from one activity to another partially from my need to stay moving, partially from my inability to say no to anyone... I can only apologize for not being able to make events so many times before the apology looks insincere, before I stop getting invited. So yes, I’m busy. Being busy is a badge of honor at this point. It means I’m doing more, producing more, accomplishing more. But am I? And at what point is busy an excuse? And at what point is that excuse no longer valid? At some point me being busy isn’t a badge of honor, it just makes me look like a jerk.

This is really all Shonda’s fault. “This” really refers to a few things...

...But mostly it’s Shonda’s fault for the last month of my life I have stepped out of my comfort zone, and it’s scary out here.
You’re probably wondering how the Queen of Thursday Night nudged me out of the safety of my routine little world.