Happy? Birthday
I very famously, very historically do not trust my birthday or my birthday month. I always approach March with more than a little wariness as noted here, here, and here. Oh, I try to believe it won’t be weird and that everything will be fine.
So while I’m generally nervous it’s usually about what I’ll do, if anyone will come to my party, if everyone hates me, if I didn’t suck at living another year. But this year threw a new wrinkle at me: how does one celebrate a birthday during a pandemic? This year, it isn’t just me…everyone around me is the “this is fine” meme as we collectively self-isolate in the midst of the pandemic. I’ve been pre-emptively bummed about my birthday longer than that. Gentleman Caller planned on moving for work the Thursday before my actual birthday. But that was ok! I could hang out with my friends and it would be fine, totally fine. As the end of January and early part of February started to bring news of a new virus in China my anxiety started to kick in. Normally, my anxiety is a whole load of worry then not a lot of result but this one...well...you know. As we moved into March and as closure after closure, stay at home order after stay at home order rolled out we thought maybe, just maybe his departure would be pushed. But it wasn’t. Our early celebratory dinner was canceled because of restaurant closures. My night with friends quickly became an impossibility. I happened to pack up my office on a Friday because Drew was going to start working from home the next week and even that felt rushed and disconnected.
This month was hard, this past week was harder. A lot of the places I felt most at home are no longer there for me. Projects I put a lot of passion and time into, things I was very much looking forward to are no longer in my life. I lost my quarantine buddy to work and it’s very likely I won’t have actual physical contact with another human until May. All of those things are really hard.
Then there’s the actual fall out of this pandemic. I’m sad I can’t see my mom today, I’m worried someone I love will get sick (the odds of that incredibly high), I’m worried that someone I love won’t recover (the odds of that are also strong), I’m worried the places I love may not be able to weather this storm (this is inevitable, not everyone will make it through), I’m worried about how the world looks after this. I’m grieving the things that were on their way out of my life related to the virus or not which it’s a lot to process on a regular day, let alone on a day that is supposed to be celebratory.
Today on my 35th birthday when people asked me how I am I answered like I always do, “I’m fine! This is fine.” But I’m not, everything is very weird right now and I think it’s ok to admit that. But even in the midst of the uncertainty and the worry I’m reminded of the things that are good.
A sweet Cameo from Carla Lalli Music for me and LP
Finally trying Milk Bar’s actual birthday cake
A cinnamon roll delivery from Grace and Angela
Coffee and a chocolate croissant that will serve as today’s cake from Faryle
A latte and a loaf of bread from Carly
A fantastic birthday serenade from a friend’s son
Calls, texts, tweets, and messages wishing me a good day and checking in if I’m ok
A warm home, a good amount of supplies, and a job
Is it the day I would have planned? Not at all but it’s the day I have and I can work with that.
Now, I have a fresh planner to open, a new quarter to start tomorrow, and thanks to a text from Katie, a half birthday do-over to plan for September.
So is today happy? Not really. But I’ll be just fine.
